Wrestling with God

Genesis 32:38 The man said, "But no longer. Your name is no longer Jacob. From now on it's Israel (God-Wrestler); you've wrestled with God and you've come through." (The MSG)


I don't know about anyone else out there, but sometimes it feels like I wrestle with God more often than not! During my prayer times, you may even hear me declare that I will not give up until He blesses me...


However, I do. 


I do give up. I give up on dreams, I give up on desires, I give up on visions.
I even give up on His promises sometimes. I look at the circumstances surrounding me, allow them to overwhelm, and I let go of His hand. Too weak or beaten down by this world, I decide that certain promises do not pertain to me because if they did, they would have come to pass by now...He would have worked it out and made everything come together...So that's it! I just have to suck it up. I must have misinterpreted or heard wrong; those promises weren't for me.


But wouldn't you know? Not even that can keep me from being in the palm of His hand. As faithful as He is, He never lets me stay there! He reminds me that "man's mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure." (Proverbs 16:9 AMP) That even if I lose sight, He alone can restore. Even if I let go of a dream and I let it die, He alone can resurrect! 


He alone brings refreshment, revival, restoration, and renews my strength! 


Like Jacob's declaration, I am reminded. I reach out to grab ahold!

"I'm not letting you go til you bless me!" (The MSG)

And I am blessed indeed....

In LOVE....or not!

I was very late to join this social media world. I opened a Facebook late last year, eventually started my blog and now even have a twitter account. Once I started though, I must admit I enjoy it! Especially being able to write out my thoughts on a blog and share.

With that said, I don't blog very often! Even though there is so much that I would love to say/write, I put off sitting in front of my computer and getting it out there. 

After prayer and self-examination I realized why I do what I do. Or rather, don't do what I want to do. I realized that people are mean; putting yourself out there means that you are opening yourself up to that. So I shied away, and closed myself off from the possible hurt and judgment that possibly await me. I realized that I need to trust God more with my heart! Being judged or called names is not as bad as being disobedient to the Lord, and suppressing what He has called you to do. 

I read A LOT of blogs out there, and obviously follow people on Twitter and Facebook. I almost have to force myself NOT to read the comments! My heart breaks when people feel the need to express their EVERY opinion without thinking about why they are sharing! Why do people feel the need to express every thought that pops into their heads? When we were younger there was a saying that was quite popular! "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at  all." (I think writing it out falls under the same rules!)

Now, I am in no way advocating a fake persona. I don't expect people to go around with a smile on their face and just be happy, spewing fake compliments and lies to everyone they come in to contact with. We need to remember as Christians that we have self-control (Galatians 5:22)  and we have the power to take our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ Jesus.(2 Corinthians 10:5) It takes both wisdom and self-control to not react to every situation, comment, etc. Whether or not we may agree, or even appreciate what someone else had to say, we are only capable of controlling what we say or do. Noone else! 

There is a biblical principle for confronting people when you have conflict between persons. You need only to read Matthew 18:15-17 if you do not know how to proceed. However, actual conflict is only one of the problems on the internet! (That is a whole other post by the way) 

Most of the time is just someone's opinions and remarks that are unfounded and so unbelievably unnecessary! Then they come back with "just saying"....or something equally as condescending! The heartbreaking thing is when they say they are just telling you "the truth". 

We live in a generation of reality tv, where everyone plays a character, and people want to be known for something (good or bad). Where it is too easy to make a name for yourself and instant stardom is not out of reach. I am not judging the people who have reaped the benefits of this. I am trying to point out though, that what we do not see is the heartache and the REAL realities of their broken relationships because of "just saying" something! As cool as people on TV may look for being super outspoken and feeling the need to tell everyone they meet "the truth", there is a consequence for every word that we speak. The Bible says in Proverbs 18:21 that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]."

I know that I am not perfect and there have been times when I have spoken up about something, when in retrospect I just wish I could take it back. With that comes wisdom for the next time I want to "comment" without thinking through it! We need to be very mindful that the internet is even more difficult than personal conversations because we cannot infer tone, and it is even easier for things to be taken the wrong way! 

*sidenote* if you are having a personal conversation with someone and put it publicly on the internet you may not get the best reaction. Best to keep private personal conversations, well, private! 

I do realize that I could be accused of being "judgmental" in the same manner in which I am writing about. That really is not my heart at all; I wish to encourage people to stop and think about the "WHY" that makes them do what they do. We all need to be reminded at times, and being called judgmental is a risk I am willing to take.  

I pray that we would be a people that lift up and edify with our words. That we would think before we speak/write, and that we would check our own hearts before feeling the need to bring correction to someone else. 

Matthew 7:3-5 "Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."  (MSG)

Being Revealed

Lately, I have had a really hard time writing or conveying my feelings through any means besides frustration. I had wanted to share after Mother's Day about the impact that the women who raised me had in shaping my life. But to no avail...

In the meantime, however, I had come across a blog post that had introduced me to this journey I am now walking out. It was a challenge to forego wearing make up for 30 days. Now, first I want to say that I am not against make up or fashion, or anything of the sort. The complete opposite actually! I enjoy being able to express myself in different ways through make-up, outfits, accessories, etc.
However, when reading this post I knew the Lord was showing me that there was a huge part of me that depended way to much on my image; I had entered into a dangerous zone! It was completely unacceptable to me to not have any make up on during the day. Even if I was not going to go anywhere or see anyone besides my immediate family.
(*sidenote* My husband would prefer that I not wear make up. He tells me I don't need it and compliments me all the time when I am not done up. I wear make up because I enjoy it!)

It is day 14 and it has been more of a struggle not to get ready in the morning than I would like to admit! On days that I need to go somewhere, it is really hard for me to have to leave the house looking the way that I do and feel confident. I even have to admit that because I have not been wearing make up, I wear my glasses everyday instead of my contacts so that I can "hide" behind them.

But today, in getting together with a dear friend of mine, the Lord revealed that this "challenge" was about so much more than just make up. . My friend Kristi Woods, has inspired me and challenged me since the first day I met her. This woman is someone I admire greatly and am so grateful in having been able to have her in my life. Having been able to do life with her through minichurch, I have learned so much that make me want to be a better mother and wife, while encouraging me in being a Christian woman and friend. As we shared and talked, the Lord kept showing me just how He was stripping me of layers of "cover -up" in order to reveal me. The real me. The me He wanted me to be.

There were things laying just under the surface that I had justified that were so very ugly. Of course, I did not want anyone to see these flaws! So instead of dealing with the issue, I  just covered over it so that no one on the outside would see it. But, like any mask the real thing is always there underneath. Whether fully visible or not.

I began to make the connection; my eyes were opened to the way that I was so dependent on the image I wanted to portray. If it was hiding my flaws with make up, or with a fake attitude; there are things about me that are not pretty. Even though I may not want people to see those things, I need to be honest about the fact that they are there. I have a choice! I can either deal with it by taking it to the Lord and try to get rid of the problem, or I can try and pack on the "make-up" and cover it up myself.

When I allow the Lord to show me my real beauty I can be at rest. My strength and my beauty come from within and will shine throughout.

I will revel in being revealed....

1 Peter 3:3-4

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 

Oh, and if you want some great insight and encouragement please go and visit my friend Kristi at 

her blog. You are sure to be blessed!

Celebrate!!

A day of celebration!!

(Flowers, 3 handmade necklaces, 3 handmade cards, a hot plate, 

and some strawberries! and that isn't everything....)

Yesterday, I caught a glimpse of the gifts that I am passing down to my kids. A gentle reminder to a tender mama's heart that like Jill Churchill said "There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."


My oldest daughter made me multiple cards that poured out her love and appreciation for me. Handmade cards and love notes are a favorite past time of mine... So her multiple notes, poems, and cards didn't surprise me;  on any given day you would be able to find at least a handful of post-it notes with colorful hearts and flowers, and an "I love you mommy. You are the best mom! Love your favorite daughter!" around the house. She made me a gorgeous Kamani nut necklace in school, and a macaroni necklace in Children's church. Her heart was shining right there on "her sleeve" as she proudly placed those necklaces around me neck. The art of gift giving and the freedom of expressing her love in writing is something that I always felt was so important and I love that she has caught that spirit and she gives freely. I love these cards, and notes that she randomly surprises me with.  I can't wait for the day she comes home from middle/high school (or even as an adult) and sees that I have a note she wrote to me when she was 5, 6, 7, 8 yrs. old! =) I pray she would know how much these notes mean to me! Memories of she and I in past moments; captured and treasured as long as I can possibly hold on to them! 

One of the poems she wrote for me

My boy made his gift to me in school. An adorable little hot plate with beautifully written similes and his school picture! (note: A simile is NOT a poem. I was corrected adamantly, yet lovingly by said son) 

I am floored at the freedom with which he pours out his love through words. Then I am reminded of my son as a newborn. Being born at 10 1/2 pounds, everyone spoke about his size and his future as the "next great thing to happen to football. " I was then reminded of how I spoke to my precious, baby boy and told everyone that although he may want to play football one day, that he was going to be the tender-hearted, poetic type that knew how to treat a girl and would be as gentle as a teddy bear. I knew back then that he was going to be a "new breed" and that he would be special. I am now being reminded of my words as a young mom, and I am watching the Lord unfold in Him what I prophetically spoke over him, albeit unknowingly at the time. Thank you Jesus for gifts we don't yet understand or perceive. He also made me a necklace, but he was not as excited about giving me the necklace as he was about having me read the above statements! 


Not to be left out, my baby girl chose out the bouquet that now adorns my dining room table! (pictured above) She also helped me eat those strawberries! {smiles again} They couldn't find the chocolate covered ones, but fresh strawberries were oh-so yummy! She told me "Thank you for 'Mother's Day' mommy! I love you!" My heart swells...


The gifts I pass down, whether words of encouragement and life, OR a favorite activity we both share, OR a mutual love for something, are helping to shape my children daily. Our relationships are constantly growing and changing. I am in awe to say the very least...


Oh, and never to be forgotten...


My husband....My wonderful, beautiful, thoughtful husband! He bought me a point-and-shoot so that I can take pictures too. Being sensitive to the fact that I have no idea how to use that contraption he calls a camera, he bought me one my non-technological mind can handle! I now can take pictures with a real person camera and not just my iphone! =) 
I am so thankful...
My Mother's Day card was the most beautiful card I have received from him, to date! Along with my gifts, and the wonderful meals we ate, I was also treated to a mani/pedi with some girlfriends and some much needed tea & conversation time! A good day indeed! 


Mother's Day is not just about me though...although I am lucky enough to be celebrated on Mother's Day, the Lord has also being highlighting the women in my life who have helped shape me and grow me into the woman I am today! I plan on sharing about them in the days to come!


I hope you stay tuned...

If I knew I wouldn't fail

This morning on twitter I saw a post about this amazing community and how they share their dreams and fears, and say/write the things that they would rather keep hidden for the sake of not failing or experiencing rejection.

Here I go...

If I knew I wouldn't fail I would say or do what I knew was right no matter what how afraid, embarrassed, or fearful I am. I would be bold to share Jesus with real live people I can reach out and touch, and share my story.

If I knew I wouldn't fail I would open a boutique because I love fashion, accessories, and decorating. I would love to be able to generate income for my family, as well as be able to financially support ministries I believe in with all my heart! Also, I'd love to employ young women whilst pouring love and life into them.

I would speak and teach the Word of God! Because I know the power it contains, and have experienced it firsthand on so many occasions in my life!

I would move overseas to Thailand with my husband and children, for a season or for a lifetime and work with women and children who suffer from poverty and not knowing the love of Christ.

What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail? Care to share your story??

What are you afraid of?

Why write? I am not a "writer"! 

I am so late to this blogging thing!

I don't have anything to say!

I am not as poetic as some.

 I am not as smart as they are.

 I don't have a "voice" like she does. 

Did I hear you correctly Lord? 

Why are you calling "me" to do this?

He whispers...

"Simply because you have something to give. No matter how you see the offering, 

it is an offering nonetheless when you obey. I will bring the blessing!"

I do have a story....That will have to be good enough for me...

I don't have to write like others do! The Lord never said to measure myself against someone else. It is not about me, or impressing people, or making a name for myself. 

I write what the Lord puts on my heart. I don't have to have dreams of being an author or a journalist in order to share what the Lord does in my life. I share to bring Him glory and praise. I have something to offer, when what I offer is me.


Like Pastor Joe Onosai said last night - "Your uniqueness is not a virtue. Your uniqueness is a responsibility. God created you with unique gifts & abilities to glorify Him in a way that only you can.

 My prayer is simply that when someone reads my words they'd be blessed! 

That is it...

1 Peter 4:10 God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.

Forgiven Much?

I love sharing about the work God has done in my life. I know how fortunate I am that the Lord got a hold of me and brought me to Himself. I am thankful for the forgiveness he offers, and the new creation He has made me.

Psalm 32:1 

Oh, what joy for those

      whose disobedience is forgiven,

      whose sin is put out of sight!

I also LOVE to share about the amazing forgiveness the Lord has put in me for the people who have hurt me in life. I know that it is only by HIS amazing love that any of it is possible! I am still amazed and in awe at how He works everything for our good when we surrender it to Him. (I will write about it one day and share those stories...)

Luke 6:37 Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.


and


Colossians 3:13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

But lately....

the Lord has been showing me what it feels like to be forgiven from others! I know this may not sound all that profound; yet it is!

After recognizing my shortcomings and failings, I pray and I repent to the Lord. I receive his forgiveness, He helps me to grow. That is the way that it works. I know that...I have heard that since I was a little girl and I believe it!

But when I ask a friend...
a family member....
a human person with strong emotions and hurt in their hearts...

forgiveness may not come that quickly! 

(and that is sometimes hard to accept.) 

Especially when ......
you never intended to hurt them
or if your decision/action came from a good place
or when you didn't even know you were hurting them

It does not feel good to hurt people! It does not feel good when someone you care about is hurting!
More so when it is because of something you did/said. It hurts...

But, I have learned that you must again pray to Jesus, ask forgiveness for any and every part that you played and release it. Trust Him that He will work on the behalf of His children.

God is in the business of reconciling that which has been broken. If He resurrected His son from the grave; I believe He can resurrect love that has died in a relationship!

And when He does....

Oh, how sweet it is! I am so thankful for the covering over of my sins and mistakes. I am so thankful for the opening of hearts to accept me and forgive me despite my faults and my brokeness! I am so thankful for a God that works in the hearts of others to reach out and extend grace in the midst of their pain and struggles!

I am reminded that if we truly love Jesus, we need to know His heart. His heart is always for His children to love one another!

Lord, may you continue to break our hearts for what breaks yours! 

1 Peter 1:22
You were cleansed from your sins when you obeyed the truth, so now you must show sincere love to each other as brothers and sisters. Love each other deeply with all your heart.